first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
