I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
