You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize