Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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