...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize