Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I currently don't understand fingers.
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