At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
