So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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