So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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