He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
