allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
