Do you still have your period?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
