he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
