do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
this will be a night to untag.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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