Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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