I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
