The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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