Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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