Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
