i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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