haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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