woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize