the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
