life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
