my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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