so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
