There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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