Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
