Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
