I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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