i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize