What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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