I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
