I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
