just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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