mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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