your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize