I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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