Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
