so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
