I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize