That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
