Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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