I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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