wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
