Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
