no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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