I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Blood and glitter go together right?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
