you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
