Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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