I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Acid is not a monday night drug
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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