Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just cut my nipple shaving
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
