I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
