every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
