I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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