You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I need to align my fucking chakras
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
