I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
